Welcome, once again, to the Forum. The RAP Forum is a place to express your thoughts to an audience of your peers. This month we hear from Fosgate Ramrod of Super Z109. Though the name and the station may not be real, we have a feeling you will find a lot of reality in what "Foz" has to offer.
Check this memo I got from my PD...
To: Fosgate Ramrod
Super Colossal Z-109 FM
From: Shubert Roid
Super Colossal Z-109 FM
A little note about your attitude. Stop Bitchin'. Stop moanin' and weepin' about the Sales Honkey who called from poolside, at 4:45 Friday, with the stuff "...he forgot and left out" of the three :60s plus updates you just completed. You know, the spots for that new Children's Outpatient Clinic, "Kiddie Litters." The spots where you had to coach the GSM's 5 year-old through each word, then splice the words together. All the while, the little drooler is yellin'; "MY DADDY'S GONNA FIRE YOU IF I SOUND BAD!!" Why are you complaining? What's your problem? You work at "Super Colossal Z-109 FM"!
Bitch, Bitch, Bitch. Just because the other employees have this thing called "Lunch" where they take sump'm called "Time Off To Eat". Why should YOU feel deprived? YOU get to play with tape recorders, and make noises, and other fun stuff. We ALLOW you to be CREATIVE! Well, okay, except for yesterday, when the Promotions Director called last minute, to say he "...kinda forgot to tell you..." he promised Flatulence Pizza and Joe's Amoco seven mentions EACH, in all of the "Super Colossal Z-109 FM Pizza Pay-Off And Gas Blast" promos. Look, I'm sorry. The promos you just now finished? The jokes, cute lines, all that "good writing" stuff? ...all gotta go. Hey! 40 seconds, Babes, and that's IT! We Are Pros, here. We can't let fun stuff clutter up important mentions and positioning statements! Also, the client's wife is coming in to sing the jingle. She may need some "coaching."
I know cutbacks have been especially hard on you. Here's good news! We'll have new tape every week, as soon as Reverend Jim's Hour of Guilt signs on next month. But, you've gotta learn to handle the stress a little better. Please remember, this is the Big Time Radio Dream Job you hungered for! Don't Blow It! You've honed your skills, sacrificed sleep, gone without sex (don't want to clog up those razor blades edits with lots of unnecessary palm hair). Cheer up! You're the Production Director at Super Z! Merely KNOWING that should be reward enough! BUT NO! YOU ACTUALLY WANT MONEY!
My God, man! We are in a recession! Didn't you hear the Operations Manager at the staff meeting, just before he left to pick up his Porsche at the detail shop? He said; "Bite The Bullet!! Hard Times!!! Mo' Work!! Less Money!!" Don't you WANT to be part of the Happy Super Colossal Z-109 FM family? Or are you some crawling ingrate?
And what's with this "Equipment List" thing? You want "another" mike? What's wrong with the one we got when the station was sold to us? That Edison feller said it was state-of-the-art when he put it in! He said it was the finest string and the best tin can available!
So, listen. No more complaining! We're a team! One big happy Super Z! This rumor of starvation from the Engineering Department is just a Commie plot or something. Remember our "Super Z" slogan: "At Least 45 No Talk Commercial Free Minutes of More Hit Music Each Hour On The Happy, Upbeat, Always Smiling Super Z-109 FM With No Rap and No Hard Rock." Remember that.
Face it dudes, we producers will see justice, only when we can name our own price. Think about it! Your job is NO COST -- not one extra red cent changes hands, whether you break your fingers on the most righteous, ear-bleeding spot, or whether you take the first take and run some Boots Randolph under it. Your job means nothing to the big guys, because it costs nothing to the big guys. How fast do you think Freddy Fastbuck the Sales Slime would swing around if he had to PAY for those "extra" :60's?? What if costs for "last minute promo changes" from the weasel Promotions Director came out of his own department? He'd have a comptroller so far up his shorts, he'd have to wear two hats! They call us wizards, and consider that payment enough. Excuse me... IT CANNOT HAPPEN WITHOUT US! THAT is worth money.
I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm about two-thirds of the way through building a home studio. It cooks already. When it's finished (and a small matter of the term of my contract expires), I go solo. If they want me to shake and bake, they'll have to pay every time the stove goes on. Folks, I don't care who "forgot," whether some "meeting changed things." Hey, the meter's running whether I'm doing a new spot, or the third "revision!" If they want to make three spots for every one that hits the air, I'll take their money. What I'm saying is: The only real power is in being a vendor, outside the station. These days, with the virtual studio scaling down to the size of a suitcase, each one of us can set up shop wherever he or she likes. We just have to have the initiative to do it.